delayed feelings

I dropped him the minute he made me lower my standards. i stopped the moment he refused to choose between us two... he didn't make a choice and that is worse than chosing the wrong side.

but she... she broke my heart. she might as well take a knife and slide my heart into pieces. she chose. i had to do something i never thought i would... i had to lower my standards for her. she became the burden the minute she chose to be addicted to everything that we resented.

all i could feel were resentments... and i didn't even know that it showed.

i couldn't leave her. i couldn't drop her. how could i? her childhood friend left... and her parents... they were battling their own demons. she has no one. or perhaps i thought i had no one if i let her go. but i already lost her. i just refused to believe it.

so instead of the norm... the tears of heart broken, the sorrow, the deep regrets, and the whatever else goes with it of that supposed breakup.

i put on a brave face, i smiled and told her she would raise.

i couldn't leave her when she was at her worst.... i couldn't do what the other people had the option to do.

i might never know what being addicted to drug or alcohol is like but i know too well its effect. sometimes i hate myself for such a love of books and reading.

she had depression issues before... it would only make it worse and i knew. i was so afraid. i was so scared. i didn't want to give up her life. she was so fragile... so hopeless and helpless... she was going to break at any moment.

i just couldn't. to give up on her is to give up on everything that i ever believe in. but to be with her meant that i had to loose myself. the self that had different sets of standard. to be with her is to admit defeat.

so i faked everything. and i thought i was such a good liar as she has said... but oh, it's so hard... and it gets harder by each and every minutes we spend together. the resentments vent through words of horrifying meaness. 


and now... it all rashed back to me... it hurts so much.

the heartbreak... the regrets... the tears that i never shed and dried up inside.

"What did i do wrong? Did she not love me enough... us... to stay away from it? Does she not know... what it would do to her body... to her life? Oh... but she does! So why! why!!! Why did she do it? Why couldn't she walk away? I failed her... I wished i could have been there to stop her... to make sure... but would it have made a different? it was never my choice... it was hers... and she chose!!! She chose!!! I hate it! Oh, i hate it so much! i can't loose her to it! i just can't! but it hurts... it hurts so much... to know that i already lost. She made her choice... she left me. She left us. She chose it. What am I to do? If i leave... what would happen? If I stay... am i brave enough? Oh... no... i can't leave now. not when she needs me. i can't judge. i can't hate... i can only support her courage. only she can dig herself out of this... and i'm going to make sure of it! because... i don't want to loose a life! because i don't want to sacrifice hers for my standard! oh, damned it all! i have to smile! i have to be brave! because one of us has to! what else is there to loose? our friendship was already lost! God damned it! it was the sacrifice! she chose it over me! She left! i'll never forgive her for this! but i can only leave once she can walk on her own! i can only leave when she dismisses me! when she no longer needs me... that way... it's not a complete lost.... And this feelings... they'll have to be suppressed...."

that was two years ago.

She said i changed... I did. I changed when she lost herself. In order to prolong what was lost to save what could be saved, i wore a mask and play a role that i never thought i had to. She said i became a bitch who called her names and made her feel like shit... it's true. but it will remind her, forever a scar, that she should never let anyone (not even her own best friend) treat her like shit.... and i hoped to God... she'll never let another guy lay hands on her again. there are three forms of abuse: physical, mentally, and emotionally. The first is nothing compare to the other two. how it pains me... she'll never know. I knew she was going to leave... hell! she already left. So i did what i could to make sure she has the strength, the courage, and herself. i wanted her to leave on her terms not due to her self destructions motives. i didn't want her to give up on herself... even if it means i have to abuse her mentally and emotionally!


two years... my plan worked. i did things i would never do again. i did things i would otherwise never do if it wasn't for a purpose that i thougth worthy enough to sacrifice my own standards. i guessed... i won... i won her back. that made me so happy... but the regrets will never go away. the pain of the burden i had to carry will never leave me. i miss her... i'm not sure what is worse: missing her as we share a laugh when she is sitting right there next to me (wondering if she's going to do drugs today when she dropped me off)... or missing her as she is miles away (studying for her test to become as she has declared--the greatest writer anyone ever seen). to know... to know so much... to care so much... to love as i did... it's tiring and painful. it's such a burden. it leaves me never wanting to love again. i'm at the end of my rope... and i'm so glad she let go... i'm so glad she is her best as she walks away. it seems time didn't age her at all, it seems as if nothing ever happened... and none of it matters anyway... she was herself... she was the girl i fell in love with.

but now... i have no reason left to delay what i felt. damned by loneliness. pained by my own memories of my treacherous plan. exhausted by the whole thing... i need to cry... but i don't know how to find the tears. it seems the bravery mask hasn't been taken off. now i have to go find myself. the things i used to believe in, the standards i had, the innocence intoxication of overwhelming love for life and what i was... before i had to forsaken it.

i'm free. if only i can take off the mask. if only i can stop caring... worrying after her... if only i have a distraction. i wonder how long these thing goes away... maybe i need another mask... to suppress this one.