she wanted a tender lie

even when she says goodbye, she meant for me to wait for her.
"I think we should stop seeing each other for a while."
even when she decided to walk her own path... she still wants me to freeze my world for her. and she called it being kind... being nice. Pity. Or it is selfish? she's afraid to let go, but she's afraid to hang on. she couldn't make up her mind... why is that?
there are two forms of break up: one is permanent... and the other is a threat, an excuse... a form of trying to work things out where the other person lay down a list of what is wrong and solutions and ways to fix it. She didn't do either. she was afraid of the truth. she didn't want to ask. why? why did you change? she didn't want an answer from me, one that she already know. What happened to you? then... she blamed me for not trying to work things out. i wasn't the one breaking up! and i did ask... but she just wanted to leave... she wanted to leave her past. she was too afraid to look at herself. i had to drag it out of her. i had to force her to leave. i had to lie to her... after all... that was what she wanted.

"... for a while..." how long is a while? i don't love you anymore. you've changed too much. there is no hope left. you're not impossible but you're not possible with me. i have no hope left of ever just being your friend. i sacrificed too much for you already. i'm tired of being a giant tree that you leaned on for comfort... and for a shade. all i ever wanted was to be your friend... but i was never that was i? i have always been your tree....

i'm going now... and this... this is the last time i'll glance back.

you never loved me because i was a friend, you loved me because you needed me... you thought you needed me. and even when you wanted to let go... you still cling on. you wanted to be a part of my life because you thought you needed me always... just as i've always been a tree for shade and comfort. selfish... you don't know what that mean... but you know pity too well. what it is? are you addicted to me too? all my lies? because i'm willing to? because i know how to live... and you thought you don't? what it is?

why can't you say what you meant? why can't you let go? why do you cling? and if you cling... why didn't you stay? you left... you convinced yourself that i'm impossible.... it's true. you've made yourself impossible to me. i can never be your friend. and i don't want to be your hero. but i couldn't leave because i still hoped. but it's gone now. 

i have to go. the tears seemed unworthy now. my heart is as cold as ice. you are just a name.

but i'll say it, i'll be your tree one last time... i'll leave you with a tender lie:

you chose to leave. you abandoned me. but I forgive you.... You left me standing there in the mist of total loneliness with a broken heart while you go about enjoying that forbidden part of life.... and i was so scared as i watched in disbelieve. and i wanted to turn away, i wanted to keep going down the road that used to carry your footprint next to mine... the road that you turned away. but my feet were frozen by feared and blamed. Where did i go wrong? how did you change so much before my very eyes? and i just didn't see? was i such a bad friend? i turned to take one last glance at the road that lead me to my ambitions... what used to be our path, and i knew i would be stuck. i watched as you slip further and further away from me following the roads blindfully toward the bottum. and all i could do was watch while the world around me froze. i waited for you to come back so that we would continue on down the road we were heading before you left me behind to walk with someone else. i watched you suffer; the tears and scars of what my heart would look like if you care to inspect.

but i knew you no longer walk my path... that you would never come back. but you were going where i couldn't follow while trying to pull me along.

you were so busy following someone else's footstep that you forgot me. you glance occassionally back to see my sad smiles, to see me still standing there waiting for you. i wanted to pull you back but you were so far away and i didn't know how to reach you. i had no idea how to save your life. and you kept going following one path to another as i stood there waiting for Godot. if true love means giving someone your world then i have done just that and when you left i froze it for you. i waited for your return knowing you never would.

and i'm waiting... even now when you walk your own path.

i took one step forward only to back up and glance the other way hoping for a glimpse of you. but you're gone... so very far away that i can no longer see. and i'm stuck here... waiting for you still....

but i know... i knew all along... you're gone.

and when i find the strenght to move on and gather the pieces on the ground i'll keep going, but i know that i'll always look back. i know that when i reach the end of that road i would wait still... for your return. and my only comfort now is that you walk your own path and not following someone else's.

and i'll always wait for you...

go on, wak your path, i won't follow you because i can't walk your path but i'm always waiting.

who knows? maybe the end of your road is where we meet... as far apart as we seemed to be, i'll never leave you.

i'll always wait for you so go ahead and run as far as you wish and be as much as you dreamt, don't look back... cuase no matter how far away you are, i'll know how to find you. i just hope that the next time you loose yourself completely that you can create your own path and not follow someone else's.

and i'll always love you no matter how much you change because my love is unconditional. and i'm so sorry i've hurt you... it's all my fault. i only hope that you'll forgive me.